When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Randomize
