i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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