I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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