It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Two words: blizzard sex
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
