Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Randomize
