I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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