Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
