I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Boobs speak an international language.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
