You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Randomize
