i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
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