I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
