That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
