I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
now i know why i became what i already was.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Randomize
