Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Randomize
