Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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