Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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