You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
