just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
