i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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