Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
