Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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