Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
