I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
