Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
