dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
