She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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