I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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