If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
