Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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