i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
