Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
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