We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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