I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
