Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize
