If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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