I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
