Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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