tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
