We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Just pee around me
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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