he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
They should really pass out barf bags in church
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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