Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
