You would DIE at the bar we're at right now. All indian/asian med students, I swear
Asian doctor ratio. So hot. I would've gone into heat
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
