My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
