we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
