I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Randomize
