i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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