There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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