I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
You are the jesus of drinking
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
