I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Randomize
