i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
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