I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
