he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
being pregnant is like rehab
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
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