I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
